Dear Liz Pit,

So, I found the only healthy cookie recipe. All you need is 2.25 servings of the sponsor of The Lonely Island's Dream Girl, the flavor no one eats for fun, 1 regular sized drink container full of wheel-ish wheat, 2 spoonfuls of chocolate in powder form, 0.75 regular sized drink containers of anti-bacon dairy cow product in powder form, 0.25 regular sized drink containers of extra wheat-y wheat, 1.25 spoonfuls of rise-y powder, 0.25 small British spoonfuls water-less oceans, 0.25 small British spoonfuls applesauce-less cinnamon applesauce, 1 big, brown speckled, yellow, half moon shaped, tropical fruit, 0.25 regular sized drink containers of salad grease, 0.5 regular sized drink containers of glucose, 2 big unhatched chicks, 7 big unhatched chicks, but only the part that's not yellow, and 1.5 small British spoonfuls of ice cream fruit from Madagascar.

You must first heat the tandoor to 25 degrees less than 400 degrees fahrenheit. Then, you mix the tropical fruit, Paula Dean's favorite food, glucoses, all of the unhatched chicks, and the ice cream fruit together, in the machine named for the task. Then, separate from this mixture, mix together the sponsor of The Lonely Island's Dream Girl, in the flavor no one eats if they have a choice, the wheel-ish wheat, chocolate in power form, the dairy cow product, the extra wheat-y wheat, rise-y powder, water-less ocean, and the applesauce-less cinnamon applesauce. Then, add the two parts together, mixing not badly, and let them alone for 5 minutes. Put them on an anti-stick metal flat surface. You must crush them before you put them into the tandoor for 11-12 minutes.

When you're done, you should have enough to feed you for 4 days. I think you should eat 6 oz. of fish or chicken, and 2 cups of salad with light dressing for dinner, because cookies do not a meal make. In all, since dinner would be about 300 calories, this is about 800 calories per day! That means you might lose some of that weight you seem to think you put on.

Of course, you are sure to regain said weight once you stop eating this way, and eating only one type of food, even if it is cookies, will get tiring. The good thing is most people on other weight-reduction plans complain about not having sugary foods, but with this, all you'd eat is cookies.

I mean, I would not do this, but I also don't think I need to lose weight. 

Please don't hate me for posting this.

Love,
Alex